I’m apprehensive. Reluctant, even. I hesitate to say afraid as — in my typically faux-shielded manner — showing such a sign of weakness is a big no-no. You don’t have a blog covered in blood-spatter effects and a collection of angry industrial music if you’re the kind of person who freely admits to liking kittens and pastel colours; such things are best left behind closed doors. These are the games we play, and so holding the small, slightly menacing black plastic phial, I comfort myself by thinking of the myriad deadly substances stored in similar-looking containers by apothecaries of old. It’s okay. You’ll probably be dead before you even taste it.

So here I am, late on the ball as always, about to sample the Pandora’s box that is the new — well, new-ish — concoction from one of my favoured providers of caffeine-laden energy drinks, Relentless. A far cry from the usual expansive, beer-sized cans of brown (or green, or orange, or a less appealing shade of maroon), instead occupying the kind of fist-sized containers which have become so popular with deodorants lately. Fist-sized, that is to say, perfectly-sized to be gripped by a single adult hand. I can almost imagine stylized flags of some bizarre alternate-universe communist state, proudly wielding tiny plastic bottles of energy. Viva la revolution!

But I’ve digressed enough, and the time has come to sample this perplexing brew. It smells like Skittles dissolved in Fairy Liquid and — much to my dismay — mirrors this disturbing amalgam in flavour, along with the distinct and lingering aftertaste that can only be described as brackish lemon. The consistency is rather thin and light, far from my expectations of a syrupy or oily mass of vile malevolence, fairly easy to swallow if one can overlook the frankly repulsive palate; a fairly sweet and almost pleasant experience with a vague resemblance to the artificial facsimile of sour apple when probed curiously with the tip of the tongue, but the bitter, brackish, qualities quickly overpower the rest of the mouth. Truly a marvel in the field of artificial flavouring, to create something so seemingly-appealing which so quickly turns to malice, like a spiteful young terrier with a penchant for fingers.

Despite having suffered through this most brutal experience — near the bottom of the (thankfully small) bottle, I was beginning to wonder if the substance would stay down for long — I don’t feel any more awake or energized than I did before, aside from perhaps a newfound realization of just how depressingly alive I am at this moment in time, still wishing that a cyanide pill had been blissfully lodged somewhere about half-way down the gruesome bottle.

With that said, I’d heartily recommend Relentless Energy Shots to any and all, largely because I hate you all enough to wish such brackish suffering upon the unsuspecting world.

♥

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