Flavour:
Aftertaste:
Caffeine:
Value:
Overall:

It’s been a long time since I’ve updated this blog, something I used to update on a disturbingly frequent basis; this is due to a number of reasons, not least due to a pervasive feeling of having little to say to the world. However, after an only slightly perplexing conversation with a cashier at a shop earlier, leading to a question regarding the contents of my website — which I described, I believe, as “um, just random shit I guess, nothin’ special” — it lead to the realization that I really should get back to posting and updating, if only for the sake of having some purpose to owning such a painfully narcissistic domain name. I’ll have a snappy response the next time a stranger asks me about my website, let me tell you.

By the way, if you’re that cashier I spoke to earlier: Yes, I was the shy nerd with the OCP t-shirt. Hi.

On to the topic at hand: No Fear Extreme Energy is a presumably new energy drink that I’ve recently seen showing up on the shelves of dishevelled newsagents and back-alley supermarkets for no more than a few weeks now, though this event is easily enough for an energy drink aficionado such as myself to show interest. Its brazen logo and presentation are clearly intended to appeal to a target audience far, far distant from myself; lacking in any particular knowledge of what is “hardcore” or “extreme” amongst the kids these days, I’m just going to continue with the vaguest of suggestions, not wanting to show my increasing age with a terrible, outdated connotation.

Firstly, an obvious caveat which I found significant enough to balk at: the implication of “extreme” is that merely opening the can would be enough to half-kill me from noxious gases within, and a mere swig of this potent brew should be enough to send me into a caffeine-induced coma. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is thoroughly disappointing: the caffeine content is a mere 30mg/100ml (clocking in at 145.5mg of caffeine for the full can) — in comparison, my favoured brand Monster hits the highest I’ve seen so far outside the realm of energy shots, at 32mg/100ml. This may still be an impressive figure — the unopened can of Mountain Dew at my side is a pathetic 18mg/100ml — however if you’re looking for a new king of caffeine content, or anything particularly surprising and record-worthy, you’re looking in the wrong place.

Moving on, there are two other important features that should be noted about the can. Firstly, my particular sample has no less than four large dents in the can, something I like to imagine as being the direct result of all the extreme action that has taken place in between the factory at which it was produced, and my eagerly-awaiting hand. No doubt this bastard has been through a firefight or two, and it’s got the scars to prove it. Respect to you, No Fear.

Secondly, rather than the traditional method of opening cans — something not remotely extreme enough for a drink of this calibre — there is a resealable plastic widget which can only be described as simple in operation yet baffling in function; my sleep-addled brain has no problem operating the device, yet cannot for the world figure out how it functions. It involves rotation, a dark science I fear to approach. I find this concept baffling, as surely anyone extreme enough to purchase such a product would have immeasurable thirst and wish to consume the contents in a single, majestic gulp. Nonetheless, the widget works perfectly adequately to such a degree that I simply cannot think of a way to comment further; it does exactly what it’s designed to do, and seemed near-flawless in my limited opinion. Despite this, I can’t help but think that the technology is on a redundant parallel path of evolution with bottles, something which has managed the ability to be re-sealed for at least 100 years.

Finally — and perhaps the most importantly, though I’ve procrastinated so long for good reason — is the flavour. Sadly, this is where No Fear Extreme Energy manages to offer its final gift of disappointment, a product which not only thoroughly lacks an adequately extreme flavour, but worse, settles on the boat of mediocrity. Anyone remotely aware of energy drinks will know that there are fundamentally three types of drink on the market — firstly, Red Bull, possibly the first and certainly the most well-known. Secondly, the cheap knock-off (and frequently supermarket own-brand) obscurities such as Kx or Red Devil which display a remarkably mediocre ability to mimic the flavour of Red Bull while lowering the price tag. Thirdly lies the domain of the other brands such as Relentless and Monster which go their own routes and establish fairly unique flavours. No Fear is one of the second, albeit without the obvious bonuses involved with the purchase of dirt-cheap supermarket-brand drinks; the flavour is so utterly similar to the Red Bull wannabes — and, one might say, R.B. itself — that I’d be honestly unsurprised if it were an identical formula used by many different brands.

To conclude, for those with an attention span too short to read my ramblings:

• Not very extreme.
• Resealable can is actually kinda cool, and I like the skull logo, kinda. Shut up, 29 is not too old to like that kind of cheesy trash.
• Flavour identical to every cheap energy drink brand you’ve ever tasted, price tag disappointingly not as similar.
• Overall a bit crap, really.