The Belmonts are the only family able to make a whip-wielding bloke seem badass.

I’ve got a confession to make: While I’m an ardent fan of the Castlevania series, I never actually owned any of the NES games when I was younger, and didn’t really get into the series at all until being coerced into trying Symphony of the Night many years later. My dabblings in the realm of the original classic series — which is to say, the trio of offerings available on the NES — had been limited at best, and I’d taken special care to avoid Simon’s Quest, the much-hated second game in the series. This game was the worst by far, according to many, an atrocity that scarce deserved to bear the Castlevania name. If everyone hated it so much, it must be pretty terrible, so who was I to doubt the wisdom of the masses?

Cut forward to yesterday. With a few minutes to kill while waiting for a projector to be set up in the other room, I decided to fire up some old NES games on an emulator, knowing I’d have little patience to last long on them. Among others, I tried Simon’s Quest more for humour value than anything, though I’ve long been a fan of the game’s tinny soundtrack. Through part morbid curiosity and part determination to prove to myself that I still had the skills to play 8-bit classics, I forged ahead and in spite of myself ended up getting quite hooked on this odd little game. It helped immensely that I had knowledge of its more esoteric parts, largely from videos and other mentions of the game citing its obscure puzzles and confusing layout, but it mattered not — I was hooked, and while it took me until the last few hours of today (and a walkthrough to help with the more confusing parts) to muster the patience, I’ve managed to beat the game and lay Dracula to rest once again.

The crazy part is, I kinda liked it.

Okay, so some of the puzzles are frankly absurd — the Blue Crystal’s use to reveal hidden passages in the lakes is a stretch and the Red Crystal’s cyclone-summoning is nigh-incomprehensible — and the world layout can be confusing at the best of times with many areas looking extremely similar save for minor adjustments or palette swaps. Beyond that (and let’s face it, there are many NES games guilty of confusing layouts and esoteric puzzles) I’m really not sure why gamers seem to have such a deep-seated loathing of the game, as if it somehow exists on the same level as the Atari 2600′s infamous E.T.

The graphics are charming and as varied as one could expect from an 8-bit title, the soundtrack is one of the best of the series with some truly memorable tunes, the back-and-forth gameplay involving the acquisition of various optional and essential equipment closely mirrors more modern and far more highly-acclaimed games such as the above-mentioned Symphony of the Night and its descendants on the Gameboy Advance and Nintendo DS, and overall the game feels far more like a prototype — albeit one that showcases a number of poor design decisions — of the later brethren in the franchise. Okay, so the currency-farming was a little tedious at times, the boatman’s dual destinations confused the hell out of me, and I managed to skip Death’s mansion entirely by mistake until finally realizing that I was missing something — but was any of the above truly game-breaking? No, not really.

So tell me, gamers: why the hate? Is Simon’s Quest truly such a bad game, or is it simply vilified for trying something a little different?

While those of you who are interested will likely have noticed already, just a quick post to let you guys know that I’ve been updating the wargear lists for Dawn of War II’s Last Stand gameplay mode, with details of the new Tau Shas’O Commander and a few other updates to the other sections here and there.

While an overview of the Tau Commander’s gear (including achievement-locked gear) is known, I’m working on levelling him up in order to get the appropriate icons and full, detailed stats for each piece of equipment. In the meantime, placeholder graphics and descriptions taken from elsewhere should hopefully prove at least somewhat useful. :)

As a break from all the energy drink reviews I’ve been posting recently — and there are more to come, I’m afraid, as my fridge is loaded with numerous other brands waiting for the literary chopping block — I’m going to mention a game I’ve tried a few times in the past but only recently was able to really get into, that being Dwarf Fortress. For those not in the know, the game simulates a colony of dwarves — the kind of Tolkien-esque bearded, ale-swilling, axe-wielding, gold-mining creatures that anyone even remotely familiar with high-fantasy settings will be all-too-familiar with. The game creates a randomly-generated world — populating it with civilizations, cultures, heroes, history — and then allows the player’s initial party of seven to choose an unclaimed spot in the wilderness, and “strike the earth”.

What sounds simple is, in fact, possibly the single most absurdly complex game in existence today. The survival of your dwarven band must be managed at every level, from building a militia to defend from goblins and hostile beasts of the wild, to managing farms, kitchens and breweries to keep the workers fed and happy. Thankfully, the load is somewhat eased by the dwarves’ ability to think for themselves and take care of their needs provided adequate provisions are made — rather than telling Athel Rursibrek to dig a tunnel or craft a table, you simply assign the job to be done and the most appropriately-skilled member of your team will take up the task when not doing anything more important.

While this may not seem overly-complex, the sheer depth and intricacy of every aspect of the game is frankly staggering. Dwarves injured in combat can suffer internal bleeding from broken bones, furniture or trade goods can be crafted from literally dozens of different materials with engravings of things, people or places the craftsmen enjoy or have seen, fluid mechanics simulate the movement of water or lava through pits, lakes or channels, and the personalities of each dwarf are radically different — my expedition’s leader, Sodel Etostcerol (“Sodel Containedlens”), likes galena nickel, crystal opal, yak hoof, crosses, thrones, and mules for their stubbornness. She is impervious to the effects of stress, but rarely happy or enthusiastic and occasionally given to procrastination. That’s about a twentieth of the information provided on the page detailing her appearance, personality, thoughts and feelings.

Unfortunately, all this complexity comes at a cost — not only is the game’s learning curve so steep it practically bends backwards, but the actual configuration or inclusion of graphics packs — the game is ASCII text by default, much like the classic roguelike games of yore — is a serious headache. This kind of barrier to entry both discourages casual gamers, and fortifies the game’s often-elitist fanbase — I myself have been trying to play the game for some time now, but the lack of up-to-date tutorials and frustratingly archaic configuration were too discouraging, not to mention the sheer confusion of being given control of a colony and not being properly told where to begin. Fortunately, a solution has arisen to solve these problems.

The aptly-named Lazy Newb Pack is exactly what every uncertain newcomer to the game would desire; a simple front-end GUI provides configuration options and easy installation of graphics packs, as well as a number of add-on tools to make playing the game easier, and an associated series of video tutorials runs a beginner through the basics, from configuring and starting the game, to creating a new world and making a well-constructed fortress, explaining the process in great detail along the way to ease the passage through the initially daunting learning curve. The process has become easy enough that any gamers could likely get a grip on the basics and slowly expand into the more advanced aspects of the game, though it’s still an experience I’d recommend only to those willing to put serious concentration, focus, and dedication into what amounts to an incredibly deep gaming experience.

If you’ve been put off by the game’s difficulty, lack of decent up-to-date tutorials, outdated methods of configuration, or simply find the concept appealing and feel like giving it a go, I strongly recommend trying the Lazy Newb Pack and watching the video tutorial series. Just remember: losing is fun!

While I don’t yet have my own copy of Dawn of War II: Retribution — it’s not released in the UK until the 4th — I’ve updated my wargear lists with some early details on gear for the new Last Stand character, the Lord General, thanks to feedback from ultrasloth7. I’ll be updating and cleaning up the list as soon as I get a chance to play the game, of course, but for now you can find all of the information I’ve acquired so far by clicking right here. Of course, it’s not at all complete yet, but I’ll be updating it with new information as soon as I get it.

I’ve also recently updated the other wargear lists crediting the other people who have given information to help complete them; I used to do that right away at first, but after a while forgot to keep it updated. Apologies for that, but as they say, it’s better late than never!

(This was originally posted in June 2009 over on my old LiveJournal, but I’ve decided to resurrect it for a re-post here on Gravec.at. I also recommend checking out the original LJ comments thread for a similar homeless Sims misadventure with MycroftB’s Minnie Stickyfingers: “And still, when she walks up to a stranger’s house, covered in her own excrement, not having even been near soap in weeks, carrying a few bags of garbage, and asking to be let in, they’re still stupid enough to invite her inside, where she steals their TV and pisses all over the carpet.”)

Meet Hobo McHoberson, the latest unwelcome and generally unliked resident in an otherwise fairly pleasant town. His personality traits include Inappropriate, Slob, Clumsy, Loser and Mooch, and his life wish is Gold Digger, which I think involves marrying someone rich and then offing them to inherit the money. Silly Hobo, rich people would never marry someone as ugly and smelly as you.

Day one was fairly productive. After moving in and immediately starting a fight with Xander, the neighbor, Hobo decides to get into the swing of things and beg for food, with resounding success. Not merely content to insult a stranger and eat his sandwich, Mr. McHoberson invited himself in and started making inappropriate advances towards Xander’s girlfriend, begging her for money, then finally just giving up and raiding the fridge. Look how happy he is with those stolen beans! And after a long day’s harrassment, it’s time to take a nap in someone else’s bed.

After a pleasant sleep, more lewd advances, followed by assault and further begging, and to top it off, Hobo’s depravity knows no bounds as he tries to get it on with someone twice his age before the residents finally get tired of his stench and eject our hero from the premeses, with stolen book clutched firmly in grubby hand.

It was a pretty good first day, with several free meals and a whopping §6 mooched from the unfortunate neighbors. Sometimes, I wish my life was as awesome as Hobo McHoberson’s. Don’t you?